Blogging Diaries: Growing Pains

Although I am a very indecisive person, when it comes to something I really want to do, I tend to jump in quickly and just go, even if it’s at the cost of efficiency. I just kind of figure that I’ll work it out as I go. That wasn’t true of blogging for me though. I spent probably a couple years dreaming of starting a blog, and most of last summer vacation planning and archiving projects and creating what I thought would be my blog brand. Now, I've surpassed post 100, and despite all that prep I thought I did, my blog has still changed a lot. Heck, my life has changed a lot. I guess that’s what starting something entirely new does to you (i.e. college, ya know).

I found this blog quickly taking the back seat as my college life was quickly changing this semester, and as I spent more time with real live human beings in real life organizations, I spent less time on crafts and other projects for wonderland. And now, I’m writing a rambling post literally just about life which is something I never saw myself blogging unless it was super positive or something. But honestly, one of the best ways for me to think is to write, and for me, writing like this is about as honest as I get, and doesn’t have all the umms and inconclusive sentences of just talking. (And I get to use words like inconclusive, which just makes me feel pretty damn cool and intelligent.)

Basically, the past few months have been wonderful and difficult. And that’s what I want to reflect on today.

Difficult because I realized that my only dream coming into college wasn’t really my dream after all, and now I have to find another. But wonderful, because I can in fact find another. Like, I don’t think it hit me until after I began this second semester of school that I can do literally anything. And not just that I could forgo showering for a week if I felt like it. It’s more the sudden knowledge that my plans are no longer regulated by the confines of AP classes and high school band and fickle social circles. I am blessed enough to go to a college with what seems to be thousands of majors, millions of organizations, and a billion different classes. (Yeah, yeah, hyperbole I know.) And that’s both really scary and really really inspiring to me. I came into college with one logical, seemingly perfect plan, and maybe I’ll go back to it someday, but right now, I can do and be anything.

It’s also difficult because it’s just not high school anymore, and totally freakin’ perfect in that it’s not high school anymore. I love my old friends, and it’s great to see them when I can, but I now find myself actually busy with new humans pretty often, and it’s crazy to rediscover myself in the midst of new company. I can practically feel myself growing up and into a better, infinitely more kick-ass version of my old passive self. I mean don’t get me wrong, changing like this will probably be a slow process throughout the entirety of college (and honestly all life, but let’s not think about that).

I mean, change is really scary. Honestly, college kicked my confidence a little bit this semester, and it was tough. But I can also feel something different and amazing and so lovely I can’t wait speeding in my direction. And I have found that those new dreams just around the corner have an air of hopefulness to them when I dry my eyes from the panic of the unknown and just look around me.

I sat down and had a good cry about all of this recently. About of everything I miss so much, and everything I fear in the future. But then this came out of it. This messy, rambly, written-when-I-should-be-sleeping account of me as I change. I also know this is different for my blog, but I think I need some more honesty in my life, and more courage. I am terrified to post something more personal but lately, I have had so many lovely experiences from just putting myself out there in the past few weeks. I spent so much of my semester fearful, but now I am ready to jump into life with two feet and grow, for the summer and for the rest of college, and, okay, for the rest of my gosh-dern life. And yeah, my blog definitely be coming along for the ride, and growing and changing with me.

Basically, when I take a breath from the worry and fear of change, I’m awfully excited about everything that is changing. I hope you'll stick around for it too.

Stay lovely,